Group therapy and silver platters.

{Before I write this post I wanted to address my close family and friends who follow my blog. Thank you for always being so supportive but it is important for me to be able to write free from censorship and without you all concerned that I am writing as a call for help.  Like most human beings, I experience great highs and great lows that comes with being in any sort of situation and it is here that I wish to journal them and hope to find humor on my worse days... and on that note:}

A friend of mine on Facebook, posted this photo:

At that very moment, no truer words had ever been spoken. It is exactly what I wanted to do today. Book a ticket and just fuck off. I was done with all my roles today and felt no reward. I am exhausted, sleep deprived, any word for tired and all this altered my over all mood for the day. It was hot, and i had a bored toddler, an unsettled newborn-ish baby, my partner started tasks, trashed the house and I was left to complete them and clean the shit up and my only sleep-in was disturbed by an unwelcomed phone call in the morning. 

I had old thoughts creep back in, something I'll explain at later stage, and I began to think about why so many other people struggled less than what I feel like I do sometimes. I've seen some women, who I know personally, that have been born into a world where everything is handed to them via the silver platter. They then marry into families who have bigger silver-platters and then have kids and all is fucking dandy. They live a charmed life and they never seem to age. A childish thought, no? 

For those of you who are still reading, after that last irrational paragraph, let me tell you I am fully-aware that I do not struggle as other people do. I just need a freaking break every now and then. We ALL need a break from the thought of bills that need to be paid by a certain stupid date. I wished sometimes we had that break, so that my partner and I could be a bit more relaxed. 

We had a conversation today about my return to work at some point this year. I am eager to return to work because there are some financial goals I'd like to think we could smash together as a team. But it is an incredibly sobering thought, that whilst I go back to work, I will still be the main carer and I will be working nights, part-time and will need to work hard to move up the ladder for better pay etc. 

I take pride when I work, I like to be professional, work hard and never fault. And when I do, or know there is something obstructing my performance, I am always quick to change or get rid of those things that are bringing me down. Except, that was back before kids days, before relationships when I was single and carefree. Now I will have to learn new ways of dealing with two lives, my professional life and my home life. But hey like birth, I am not the only one, nor the only woman juggling work and motherhood so I will need a huge glass of suck-it-up and carry on and learn to manage. 

So with all this going on in my head, with all that was going on around me, my bubble finally burst and I lost my shit, per se. I took it out on my better half and I'm one of those people who have great one-liners and say them when they need to be said, not think about them after and wished they had slipped it in during the argument. And I hate arguing. I really do. 

For me things stick, words that are flung around? resonate and stick like gum to a sole, except a different type of sole, a human soul. 

Pollyanna

I am fully aware that I am privileged in my own right. I have a roof over my head, never have to worry about food on the table, incredibly healthy boys and I can name a dozen other blessings. But still, less stress in some other areas in my life would be welcomed. 

I feel like I need group therapy on this one. I'd like to hear how you deal with irrational thoughts and behaviours? I cannot help but always go back to the silver-platter women and imagine them with all their polly-anna-wig-like friends in their perfect little homes and wonder why that is not me. Again, an irrational thought.

 Luisa x