A friend of mine on Facebook, posted this photo:
At that very moment, no truer words had ever been spoken. It is exactly what I wanted to do today. Book a ticket and just fuck off. I was done with all my roles today and felt no reward. I am exhausted, sleep deprived, any word for tired and all this altered my over all mood for the day. It was hot, and i had a bored toddler, an unsettled newborn-ish baby, my partner started tasks, trashed the house and I was left to complete them and clean the shit up and my only sleep-in was disturbed by an unwelcomed phone call in the morning.
I had old thoughts creep back in, something I'll explain at later stage, and I began to think about why so many other people struggled less than what I feel like I do sometimes. I've seen some women, who I know personally, that have been born into a world where everything is handed to them via the silver platter. They then marry into families who have bigger silver-platters and then have kids and all is fucking dandy. They live a charmed life and they never seem to age. A childish thought, no?
For those of you who are still reading, after that last irrational paragraph, let me tell you I am fully-aware that I do not struggle as other people do. I just need a freaking break every now and then. We ALL need a break from the thought of bills that need to be paid by a certain stupid date. I wished sometimes we had that break, so that my partner and I could be a bit more relaxed.
We had a conversation today about my return to work at some point this year. I am eager to return to work because there are some financial goals I'd like to think we could smash together as a team. But it is an incredibly sobering thought, that whilst I go back to work, I will still be the main carer and I will be working nights, part-time and will need to work hard to move up the ladder for better pay etc.
I take pride when I work, I like to be professional, work hard and never fault. And when I do, or know there is something obstructing my performance, I am always quick to change or get rid of those things that are bringing me down. Except, that was back before kids days, before relationships when I was single and carefree. Now I will have to learn new ways of dealing with two lives, my professional life and my home life. But hey like birth, I am not the only one, nor the only woman juggling work and motherhood so I will need a huge glass of suck-it-up and carry on and learn to manage.
So with all this going on in my head, with all that was going on around me, my bubble finally burst and I lost my shit, per se. I took it out on my better half and I'm one of those people who have great one-liners and say them when they need to be said, not think about them after and wished they had slipped it in during the argument. And I hate arguing. I really do.
For me things stick, words that are flung around? resonate and stick like gum to a sole, except a different type of sole, a human soul.
I feel like I need group therapy on this one. I'd like to hear how you deal with irrational thoughts and behaviours? I cannot help but always go back to the silver-platter women and imagine them with all their polly-anna-wig-like friends in their perfect little homes and wonder why that is not me. Again, an irrational thought.