Why You're Not Married...

Do I have your attention yet? 

I would and I had to click on this title to see what Tracy McMillian, author of the blog post, shared 65,230 on Facebook, and the most viewed blog post on The Huffington, ever, called Why you're not married.

The author is Tracey McMillan, a mother to a 13 year old, married 3 times over and writer of Mad Men. This woman seems to be well versed in life, from what I've read to-date.

If you haven't read the article, do so now and then meet me back here. But for those of you who want a quick round up of what the article talk about it is this.

Think you're dating a loser? Think again. The problem is not him, it's you. According to Tracy, the six main reasons why you're not married is {drum roll}

• You're a bitch
• You're shallow
• You're a slut
• You're a liar
• You're selfish
• You're not good enough 

When I first read this article, I became all gansta-like, clicked my fingers across the air and said in my best gansta-like voice "Oh no she di'int...mmmmhmmm". This is mainly due to the fact I skim-read through the article and only paid attention to the titles. 

Re-reading, she wrote a great post, one where I don't agree with everything, but one that creates conversation. One you and I have had and discussed over copious amounts of tequila's and/or wine and through an endless amount of tears with our best-est of friends. Sometimes strangers. Actually, anyone who is willing to lend an ear and listen.

Why did I become all gansta-like? The article, itself, is an insult to our intelligence, as women. Marriage isn't paramount to our very own existence. For some, it's an added bonus. 

We've come a long way, as women, we can now make it on our own. And men now equally rely on us financially, instead of women marrying for financial security. We, as women, are no longer suited to men by our parents {in Western cultures}, and instead our parents raise us {daughters} to do well in school/uni in order for our own future financial security. They no longer believe 'marrying' is essential for social status or financial security. They want us to live more and be word-ly and our society allows for us to do so.

BUT... we are still in the pursuit of wanting to love and be loved in return, which ultimately leads to marriage.

  

Now I've been on both ends of the spectrum. I've been single and with every break-up I often blamed him, that he was a douche-bag and I was too good for him but underneath all the weeks of grieving, unable to get out of bed and listening to too much Bjork, watching re-runs of sex and the city and after all the pep-talks by my adoring girlfriends and mum, I secretly questioned, maybe it's me? And sometimes, frankly, it was me. I was either too much of a party girl, or too serious for someone who was yet to think about settling down and giving up, as Tracy describes in her article, his "free-agent penis". Poignant stuff.

Now that I'm in the relationship I longed for, with two beautiful kids in tow, I am always harassing my single girlfriends to get just a small taste and somehow relive or recall what my single days felt like. I often love hearing their stories on meeting someone new, remember what it's like to go on first dates and the excitement that came with getting ready to go and see someone you really hoped it could work out with. 

Image Source

On the topic of relationships, I have this to say. When you meet someone that you want to pursue a long committed relationship with, I say congrats, you're incredibly brave and I wish you all the best, because frankly when you meet some, there are three heads. Wait...what?!

The first head? Is the one where a chemical substance is realised from our head, called Dopamine {the pleasure chemical} and you fall in love. The reasons are different for everyone, but you both make the commitment to take the next step and become involved in a serious relationship, move in and...

The second head appears. You're now in your comfort zone with this person and suddenly problems may arise, demons may surface from a life before you met them. Behaviours that annoy the s**t out of you begin to show and you make the decision to accept, work through it and tolerate a bit more than what you had bargained for. But you love them, and you are still able to find a fulfilling and happy relationship with them and at this point, a proposal for marriage may occur. 

I discovered the third head once the kids had arrived. Becoming parents, is a testament to patience and tolerance. You can sometimes feel like polar opposites, from that loved up couple, on the same page, that you once were. You can be knee deep in you're own problems as a couple but still muster up the courage to STILL say that all important phrase "I love you". You both realise you are no longer that same person you once fell in love with and you either accept it, becoming a more united front. Or, you both make the decision to accept your differences, end your marriage and begin a new pursuit of love and happiness or not. There is nothing wrong with either.

Tracy McMillan is married three times over. What I get from this article is a woman, who is trying to impart wisdom on her younger counter parts who are in the pursuit of "happily ever after", but feels she has failed due to some of the reasons she has highlighted. Marriages, mean tweaking ourselves in certain areas and remember that we need to give a little as well as taking in the love that is being given to us. And the same goes for him. The 80/20 rule only applies to diets, not relationships. That's the message I take from her article.

To all my single girlfriends, Marriage, will not solve all your problems, sometimes it brings you more problems, you can feel just as lonely in a relationship than what you do when you're single. And whilst there are many beautiful things that I have been privy to experience in my own personal relationship with Eddy, there have also been moments where I wish I had lived my single days for that tad bit longer. 

Yep, marriage can do that to you.

And I'll be quick to admit that Ed and I both have our moments of being; selfish towards each others needs, shallow - in the words we say to each other and damn can I be an emotional bitch the week before I get my periods. I guess we're lucky enough to tolerate each other in our moments of madness,  I guess I can call that love. My point is, the grass is not always greener on the other side. 

I often think what a modern day Pride and Prejudice would sound like. I imagine Elizabeth Bennet re-writing the opening line and saying "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a brain between her ears, is perfectly capable of building her own good fortune, by herself".   

With Love, 

Luisa xx