In my dream life, I have four or five kids. We live somewhere with either ocean views or beautiful, English country plains, in a big beautiful house, with lots of light and my kids have lots of acreage to run around in and my house is filled with buntings.
I don't care for fancy cars or anything like that, my dream life has suddenly been a place where every inch of my being wants to be filled with more kids, my greatest loves along with that of their fathers love, around me. To grow old and then my kids have their own kids and be surrounded by my family till I grow old and die. And I madly, want to have all the chaos and sleep deprivation, that comes with it. It suddenly has become a desire of mine that I've kept from everyone, as I know what the answer is.
Since the birth of my kids, I've never loved my body more than I do now. Had I know what my body is capable of, I would have perhaps, treated it with more care. Not partied so hard, exercised more, drink less, eat better or more, in certain parts of my life.
I'm forever thankful, that I've never experienced fertility issues and that I gave birth to two incredibly healthy little men.
Motherhood was never my life long dream. I had other plans for myself, but life had other plans for me. And hear I am enduring all the crappy and yet blissfully happy moments that come with Motherhood. And now, I'm either at a cross roads or experiencing some form of chemical imbalance in my brain.
Do we have more?
It's an incredibly emotional topic for me. One I challenge myself with each and every day, here in the confines of my own home. And in conversation with other people who ask "room for one more?" I reply with "I think I'll be a good mum to two kids". It's one of those unfortunate decisions that I need to think with my head and not my heart.
Ed and I have dreams too. We have personal dreams and goals we want to tick off, in our lifetime and also provide a financially secure future for our kids. Kids cost money. And we weren't born into money. And whilst they are cute and cuddly for a period of time, these kids will grow into teenagers and adults they will need us to provide for them until they are old enough to provide for themselves. We want to be there financially for them.
More kids would mean Ed and I would spend more time away from home so we could both work and provide for them. It would mean our goals to have our own business and for me to return to my studies would be put to a longer halt. And we have yet to buy our first home.
It would also mean less time with each other, and as it is, Ed is working seven days and I am returning to work, in the evenings, in April. That means, the only time we will have together, will be in the evenings on the weekends. Relationships are hard as it is and we will barely have any time to nurture our own relationship, if more kids come into play.
I've never hated money more in my life than I do now. It's a bitter sweet relationship.
We talked about it long and hard, one night. About all the pros and cons. And we have given ourselves a time frame and if by the end of that time frame, I still have that desire to grow and give birth to that baby I am so desperate to have now. Then, we will have another baby.
I turned 26 years old this month. And that's one thing I am grateful for, my age, I still have time.
My goal is to focus on the beautiful life I have now, in the small house we have, with our concrete jungle, we have as a back yard. Enjoy the beautiful chaos, that I have with my family, work hard when I get back to work and continue to nurture and take care of my body, in hope that I still have many years, to still have more kids.
And there you have it. My confessions of my dreams and desires. I still have time on my hands to figure out if I will have to think with my head of think with my heart.